Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Bloody Hell, Indeed!

Almost 15 years ago I promised myself to never, ever take an exam again! I seem to have forgotten that there was a good reason for this statement; I am not just getting nervous, I am getting nervous breakdowns which start days before the test. Whatever I do, the more I practise, the worse I get, not doing anything however is not an option either.

Well, I had hoped that doing something that I really like doing, which will give me real joy and will be an achievement of MINE, and not something expected from me, would make a change. Oh boy: I could not have been more wrong!

I am doing my motorcycle license, and that bloody thing comes in two parts. So my decline started on 25th October when I failed the first attempt. After that I took a brief recovery, until a couple of days before the 2nd attempt. on 3rd November. From then on it went straight down into the drain.

I herewith congratulate everybody who ever took a road test and stood it, including myself. Back then, 32 years ago I went into tests like a dreamer. I had practised, one is a bit nervous, but school had tests all the time, you get there eventually. And I did. I marched into my A-levels confidently, and although things went better than expected I felt a first glimpse of discontent. An examiner was behaving in a very inquisitive way and almost failed me, and others who were in the room confirmed that it was unnecessary.

And this way my test-standing confidence got ground down over my university years, so that at the end I gave this promise to myself.

During all this time, I never felt that the joy of achievement offsets the effort and the physical pain on the guts, the depression and the fight, this utter fight with myself not to just run as fast and far as I can.

When I stood the 1st part of my motorcycle test everybody else was more excited than I was. Even to show excitement feels exhausting. I really hope that tomorrow goes well for some unknown reason, as from what I see now it is impossible to stand this test. So many junctions I have no idea how to negotiate, roundabouts I am likely to fall over, lanes I cross in a forbidden way, indicators not switched off, cars and pedestrians cut off... I used to love driving my car, it was the one thing that gave me joy and freedom whenever I felt down, and now I don't even feel safe and confident in there anymore, because all I see are rules which I am breaking. I have no idea how I got through 32 years of traffic without accident.

Please everyone, if I ever get this bloody license done and I want to attempt another test: Please remind me not to do it! I mean it!

THIS really IS the last one!